First Aid and Forgiveness

So the first big "life insights" are already hitting and we haven't even left town. My daughter Kaelyn showed me her perfect dive into the deep end of the pool. Except that the deep end was only five feet and she smashed her face on the bottom. Long story short she was ok, but I had this pit of excruciating shame in my stomach for a good solid eight hours. As a former swimmer and lifeguard, what was I thinking?

Well, I know what I was thinking. I had been treading water and not touching the bottom, so I was thinking "deep end" and "little girl". But that didn't make me feel much better about my gross lack of judgment in allowing her to do this. And it made me wonder how sane it is for me to take the kids on a big adventure like this if I can't trust myself to make good decisions and keep them safe? I began to dream up all these other awful possible scenarios of them getting lost or hurt or worse and would just shudder. My superstitions began to take over as I reminded myself that this is the second time she's gotten hurt this week when I was the only parent with her. I started thinking about bad luck in threes and continued down this path of escalating worry.

The guilt of a parent can be really awful. Usually I don't blame myself when the children hurt themselves. But this time I took it on completely. At some point during the ordeal of asking her questions, forcing her to keep ice on her head, taking her to a doctor to check for concussion and a broken nose (safe on both ends), and then letting her sleep with me anyway, just to make sure she was OK, I realized I was going a little overboard in beating myself up. A voice inside me reminded me that it is quite arrogant to go through life expecting yourself to be perfect and not make mistakes. Even big mistakes that cause children to get hurt.

Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, but I learned a few things and made some decisions:

1. There will be a discussion with the kids about following the safety rules, with no negotiation, and mom gets to be as neurotic as she wants about them.

2. There will be a good first aid kit, along with a first aid handbook, in the car as we travel.

3. I now have a much deeper level of compassion for the parents of this world. It's a harder job than anything else you could do, and no matter how hard you work at it, you can never get it perfect.

But the biggest gem of the day for me is about self-forgiveness. I'm learning that a big part of inner peace is the willingness to face your imperfections, and not just the token ones. It's looking at where in your life you made a negative impact, owning it, and then somehow finding a way to feel good about yourself anyway. I don't think that part is easy. It's much easier to get defensive and look for a way out, or beat yourself up and refuse to forgive yourself. I think being able to hold yourself as a good person while still taking ownership of where you've messed up is pretty powerful.

I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I did have a moment when I noticed my daughter basking in the attention and asking to hold my hand as she went to sleep that night. She loved that I was there taking care of her. And from the child who usually blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life, for those hours I got nothing but fearful questions, hugs and gratitude. So I guess if you look at it from that perspective, I am a good mom, and I do keep them safe.